Thirty Years of Mercy Oral History Project
Shirley Stowe
Interview 002
1/22/21
Interviewers:
Dr. Mary Ellen Weir, Dr. Daniel HutchinsonBiographical Note:
Shirley Stowe served as the Director of Nursing and Case Manager at the House of Mercy from 1998 to 2020. In her work at House of Mercy, she led efforts to provide medical care to assist in the care and recovery of residents.
Daniel Hutchinson [DH]: My name is Daniel Hutchinson and this is interview 02 for the Thirty Years of Mercy oral history project. Today we have the pleasure to interview Shirley Stowe. Shirley, is that what you prefer to go by?
Shirley Stowe [SS]: Yes.
DH: Great, thank you.
Ellen Weir [EW]: Shirley, it's good to see you again. We met a couple times over the years. So, I'm delighted to be a part of this interview and get your take on the House of Mercy, and your experience, and certainly long experience with the House of Mercy. But first off, can you just sort of give us a little bit about your background and your connection to the House of Mercy and your role at the House of Mercy?
SS: Sure, it's good to see you as well. I'm Shirley Stowe, as you know. I'm 66
years old currently. Grew up in Illinois. I have lived in Belmont for many years, since 1985. And I am a nurse, I'm a registered nurse. And my position at House of Mercy remained unchanged for the 22 years I was there as Director of Nursing and Case Manager.EW: Okay, that's a big job you had for a long time. Let me just ask you this,
what was your first contact with the House of Mercy? Or how did you get involved with them? And do you remember the first person you met or first resident you met?SS: I do, I get chills already thinking about the history there. Back in 1994, I
was a homecare nurse. And as part of my orientation, I was taken to the House of Mercy--Although I had lived in Belmont, believe it or not, I didn't even know the House of Mercy was there. I've always said that it's kind of a good thing because it provides a lot of privacy for our residents. But as part of my orientation, I came to House of Mercy with the nurse that was orienting me. I met Sister Martha Hoyle. She's the first person that I remember meeting. And [I] really had a connection with her right off the bat. So much so, not only [with] Sister Martha, but just the feeling that I got when I when I visited House of Mercy... 00:02:00I went home that day and I just kept thinking about it, so much so that I told
the nurse, that this was her territory at the time, as part of her caseload, but I said, if you ever decide you want to give up House of Mercy as part of your caseload, please come see me. She said, "Oh, no, no, I love it there." Well, not long after, she came to me and said, "You know, I think I'm ready to pass House of Mercy over to you." And so of course, we talked to our supervisors, and that was no problem. So that was my first connection.And back then home care regulations were much different. So, I actually had all the residents that lived at House of Mercy at that time on my caseload. Of
course, the regulations have changed such that they just don't operate like that. But I had the good fortune to benefit from from that. And the regulations were so different back then...I did a lot of IVs, antibiotics, blood transfusions, and a lot of things that we aren't able to do regulatory-wise today. So, obviously, I made several visits a week there, depending on the needs of the home and got to know residents, got to know staff, particularly Sister Martha. She had some health challenges back then. Because of my connection with her, I said, call me if there's something you need, I'm right here in Belmont. It was sort of an informal relationship. 00:04:00Aside from my professional relationship as a homecare nurse, I say I was kind of a unofficial volunteer. Sometimes in my off time...I would go to their
fundraisers, I would sometimes take the residents to fundraisers, sometimes I would take my Sister Martha to the fundraisers, back then they had a big gala every year. They still have the annual Walk for AIDS. So I remember taking the residents in my own personal vehicle. Probably not appropriate this day and age to do that! But back then it's just the way it was. So that was my first real connection.EW: And you said...your first impressions, you just had a feeling... your first
time in the house, that there's something different. But can you go into that a little bit? That feeling?SS: Yes. And what's interesting is over the years, through the years, I had
other people say to me, "When I come in this house, when I come in this home, I just feel love." I kind of have chills, because it's just so real to some people that are sensitive to that, I think. And so therein lies some of the legacy of why House of Mercy is a home, which I think we'll talk more about, and not merely a place to get medical care. 00:06:00EW: Exactly. Well, let me ask you that. Why do you do you think it was important at that time, and even now, that it was not intended to be a medical facility? It was a licensed care home?
SS: Yeah. Back then, I didn't really have an awareness of the licensure that
really wasn't part of my connection with the home. And I know they had to seek licensure. The home is licensed through DHHS (Department of Health and Human Services) as a family care home. So when I explain that to people, think of it as kind of an assisted living, because that's in modern times we could do what assisted livings and couldn't do what skilled facilities do back then, like I said, we gave blood...we can't do that sort of thing now. I suspect licensure didn't know what to do with House of Mercy because they were so different. I think they probably kind of left them alone. I don't really-- I don't know the relationship. I know a lot of the regulations have changed. But I think that sums that up.EW: Yeah. I guess what I'm struck by, you said a couple times, when I think
about the feeling I had, and that comes back to you feel chills, it's...the love. And the extraordinariness of feeling that, and in the House...SS: It is. I know, we're going to talk more about it, but it just goes back to
residents' connections to the home... 00:08:00I always met with residents, of course, prior to them coming in. And it's just
not something that you can explain. People oftentimes didn't have any other place to go. Many times they had been, very oftentimes, [they] had just been excommunicated with their families for multitudes of reasons. And, I always told them, "When you enter that door, we don't ask a lot of questions...you don't have to explain things you're not comfortable explaining about your past." I know a lot of things that were in the medical records, because that's something that I would have to go over prior to them to make sure we could meet them their care. But usually a lot of that would unfold because of the residents, most of the time, just grew to trust me, and subsequently the staff.Once you establish that trust, the relationships, and the love, I think they
understood the love, it just emulated from the people that are there, because this isn't easy work. And I've always said, you know, staff knows, pretty quickly, whether they're going cut the mustard at House of Mercy. Either they love it right away, or, it's just not for them. Because it is tough work. But it's very special work. And the people that are there are there because they want to be because they recognize how special it is.EW: Well, that leads to another question I have. How were people hired, like
assistant nurses, CNAs, and people working in the house. Were they vetted pretty carefully to make sure they could fit into that atmosphere? 00:10:00SS: Well...yes. That being said, that's one of the biggest challenges that I had
was finding staff. And certainly, nowadays with COVID, and the regulatory limitations, too. It's tough. Staffing is tough. And it never got any easier.EW: Right...yeah, I would think....And like you said, people either loved it, or
they didn't like it. They knew it wasn't for them....Speaking of residents, let me ask you this question. In your experience working there, your 22 years working with many different types of residents...what did you perceive of their experiences of discrimination? Inequality in healthcare, society, poverty, homelessness? What was your perceptions of all that?SS: I've told the story many times when I've gone out and done public speaking about the house, the House of Mercy...All credit goes to the Sisters of Mercy back in the late 1980s, who recognized the needs of the time, which was housing for persons with AIDS, basically. And that need hasn't changed all through the years, a lot of things have changed....demographics and whatnot. But the stigmas are still there. And also, because of the values of the Sisters, in dealing with justice, and righting injustices, that very much aligned with my heart. And when I would see injustice, or see stigmas, it's just my nature to advocate.
00:12:00Sometimes advocating is education. There were times...believe it or not,
families wouldn't touch their loved one at House of Mercy, even if they were dying. And so, I always say we lead by example, and I would make a point to hug the resident in front of them. You just wouldn't believe some of the people in the community that said, "Aren't you afraid of catching AIDS?" People that you wouldn't think would ask those questions, but it just made me a stronger advocate.EW: Right, yeah. That's a beautiful story. I know today with the pandemic...and the racial injustice, we're realizing the systemic inequities that people deal with, and I think the House of Mercy got in on that realization that we've got real systemic discrimination against poor persons, homeless persons, people of color, the whole thing.
SS: Definitely, and homelessness is a whole another topic....The homeless, I'd have to say, I'm just partial to them. Because...it's a very tough population to work with. They've just typically built up so many walls....I'm talking about
00:14:00chronically homeless people, who've lived in a tent city...Which by the way, I have visited and taken people to, and had them visit their home, and have been ostracized for..."Why would you take them back to their homeless camp in Charlotte?" Well, that's where their friends are! And you do what you can to help them be successful at House of Mercy. And if that means taking them to see their friends from time to time, then that's what I did.EW: Good for you. Yeah. Wow.
SS: When we talk about inequities... through the years some of the emphasis that the Sisters have placed on undocumented populations, we made a focused effort a few years ago to reach out and make it known that we were open to taking the undocumented population. That really was a huge challenge when you talk about language barriers... I have very limited Spanish... but we found a way....There's been a lot of interesting cases through the years dealing with that population.
EW: Right, yeah. Wow. This gives me chills, when you realize the scope, I think. Let me ask you about HIV. AIDS is largely, you know, contained, but the HIV population now, and the future of the House with HIV, what do you see is the future of the house?
SS: Yeah, we recognize through the years that our occupancy changed. In the early years, we had long waiting lists. Along with that, the demographics have changed. And while we had long waiting lists in the early years, the majority of the population, not exclusive, but the majority were Caucasian, gay, mostly males. And so through the years, that demographic has changed, and oftentimes they were on waiting lists because they had someone to care for them. [In] more recent years, it became obvious to me that when someone called and...we placed them on the waiting list, they couldn't wait...They were so sick, they waited until they were so sick, to get treatment. And I think that's true today, people are so hesitant to be placed, that they are usually so sick, sometimes, to the point where they would go on hospice care, we wouldn't be able to restore their health.
00:16:00EW: Yeah. So with HIV, even I was thinking with COVID long haulers.... could you ever see the house moving away from the HIV focus?
SS: Well, yeah. Through the years, I always followed the admission criteria,
which in the early... Well [for] many, many years, you had to have AIDS. And, there's people that have HIV and maybe hasn't moved to an AIDS diagnosis that still need help. And so I advocated to my boss, Stan Patterson, who eventually we brought it to the board level. And, a few years ago, not only did we open up charity beds, because it used to be you had to have Medicaid in order to come to the House. That's a whole another story. But we have two charity beds, which opened up lots of admissions. And also, we removed that requirement that you had to have an AIDS diagnosis. So that that really, I felt, would open up more admissions, and it's a matter of, I believe, getting the word out. 00:18:00EW: Right, yeah.
SS: There's still people in the community, believe it or not, that think that
House of Mercy is a hospice. While we serve hospice patients, it does a lot more than that. An example not too long ago, we had a referral that the patient had a really terrible kind of cancer, and needed real intensive chemotherapy. I wasn't sure we could do it, but I thought this is an opportunity to branch out...and not only that, he spoke Spanish only. There was just a lot of challenges. But, we made that admission happen. And I made a lot of contacts over at Levine Cancer Center, and, it's about getting the word out and that patient eventually got better and was able to leave the home and go back to work [Weir - Wow, wow.] He was on his deathbed when he came to us.I think the future is staying in line with Catherine McAuley, the foundress of
the [Sisters] of Mercy, in meeting the needs of the time and I think we just are going to have to continue to keep your eyes wide open and go out on a limb and make choices, sometimes it's kind of scary that you're not sure if it's gonna work, but you don't know if you don't try. 00:20:00EW: Exactly. Yeah.
SS: I think of time years ago, one of the first patients that came to House of
Mercy, really we refer to them as residents, but the nurse in me sometimes reverts to patients. But she, she was actually a man, and she was from California. And, I said, we can't take somebody's sight unseen, but she had a great advocate locally, that wanted to bring her sister back to die. And, I ended up taking her and it was a great success, I mean, she died at House of Mercy, but she died so happy. I can remember one of the first meals, she came to the table, and she started crying, and I thought, oh, gosh, what was wrong? She just couldn't. She just felt she felt like it was a family she never had.It's things like that, that have just stuck with my heart, the impact you talked
about, the impact you make on people. She never felt that all her life.EW: Wow. She finally got it.
SS: She got it.
EW: Again, to the house and people like you, goodness. I think what you're
talking about a lot about, I guess, the healing that comes from love and the heart that is so much a part of House of Mercy...the physical healing, but the heart healing, the spirit.SS: Very important...I've always said, the success story isn't just when someone recovers and gets better, it's also dying with dignity, and dying surrounded by love...
00:22:00I can remember going to a dingy hotel room in Charlotte off of I-85. I'll never
forget it. Hospice had called and said, "Do you think you could, you know, take a look?" And I went into this dark hotel room, and it was this young man, he was in his twenties. And he was there alone. And we kind of broke all the rules and, and moved him either that day or the next day, I don't remember. But he died very quickly with that thereafter. And I you know, I've witnessed different things like that, where people need a place to be comfortable to let go and die because they're afraid to die alone.EW: Right...wow. Wow. Well, I've got a couple more questions, and...if you have anything else you'd like to say. But I remember there were two dogs at the house, way back. There was Dickens, and then one, Sister Maria Goretti's dog, Hope.
SS: That's right. I remember Dickens. I remember Dickens like it was yesterday. There was a nurse that worked 3 to 11 shifts that would come in early every day to walk Dickens in the woods back behind the house so Dickens could get his exercise. But Dickens...Dickens was amazing. He knew when somebody was on their deathbed. He would lie at their doorway. He was amazing. And I remember, I finally had to put him to sleep because he was in so much pain, he had so much arthritis, we'd have to pick him up to get him to be able to go outside. And there were many Sisters that came with me to put Dickens to sleep. I'll never forget it. Yeah.
00:24:00Then Hope. Sister Maria Goretti, who I've worked with at the time at the
home...brought Hope to the home. I ended up potty training her and keeping her at my house and would take her to work. When she was a puppy...Hope was fortunately or unfortunately, Hope was very protective, and would go to the door and bark and growl and whatnot. And I think there were probably visitors that may have taunted her to where people would be afraid to come in. She wouldn't have hurt anybody. She was just being protective, but it just wasn't the presentation that we want. We didn't want people to be afraid. So--we had a volunteer at the time, Steve, who, he's still connected to the home, became a friend over the years, Steve adopted Hope, and would bring her to the home and from time to time when he came to volunteer because he used to come and repair things and whatnot still does....There was a period where I hadn't seen Hope in a very, very long time...a matter of years. And...I saw Steve at a visitation for a caregiver that had died, met this man many years ago...And Hope was in Steve's truck. And when she saw me, she just went nuts. So you know, there's some things that animals even don't forget. It was very sweet. But Hope was sweet, sweet dog. She died a very old dog. She had a good life. 00:26:00EW: Two other questions. Do you have a memory of when you most laughed?
SS: When I most laughed?
EW: Laughed and had a great time.
SS: Oh, gosh. We had we clapped and had a great time, all the time at the house. I think that's another thing that made House of Mercy a home....We have fun being silly, just like you would with your sisters and brothers. Incidentally, speaking of that, oftentimes, residents would start calling me mom. And I didn't really think anything of it. But it was kind of like being the leader of the home, and the staff was every bit as important as my role. They were more like sisters and brothers. But that always tickled me when somebody would call me mom, and I just kept calling me that as long as that person was there.
We had fun all the time. And acted silly. We have a recreation person that does activities...we have birthday parties, birthdays are a big deal at the home, always have a celebration, if the resident is okay with it. There's just so many times...go to look at Christmas lights, going to movies. I didn't get to do a lot of those fun things. But I'm hoping when COVID goes away, that I'll be able to be a volunteer and do some of those things that I never got to do with
00:28:00residents. And they know that I'm waiting for that. So it's hard to pinpoint just one time. Because there's so many...I just feel like I left a happy home.EW: How about the sorrowful times, when perhaps, I'm thinking, when residents would die...
SS: The sorrowful times?
EW: Yeah, losing a member of the House.
SS: Yeah...those times were tough. I have a lot of hospice background...so I'm very comfortable with hospice patients. And I feel that it was always such an honor to take that final journey with residents, and sometimes their families if there were families there. So I gained, odd as it sounds, those times gave me so much gratification and energy and being able to help staff and other residents process that. Certainly, I wasn't the only one to do that. Because I would feel grief oftentimes too. But we would partner with hospice and have them come in to do grief counseling sometimes.
I think the most difficult is other residents. That's what I always worried
about. Other residents that had shared the home with this particular resident, whether the resident had been there a long time or a short time, it's still a death in their home. And some, especially some of the residents that have been there longer, I've observed maybe some coping mechanisms where they kind of get in a shell and don't allow themselves to get close sometimes, if that's even possible, but I believe it is. 00:30:00I always tried to explain to a potential resident when I would go visit them
before they made the decision to move in, to explain to them that we do serve people, that if they were coming in to get in, to try and get their health back, that we also serve people that need a final resting place. And I would say, you know, we're all, myself included, going to need that at some point in our life. So just be aware that it is something that occurs. So that, it wasn't...a shock, like, "Oh, I didn't know you did that here." Because everybody does need a place to rest too.And we always tried to go if there was a funeral...and sometimes if they didn't
have a funeral we would have our own memorial, facilitated by Sister Carmelita [Hagan] in the living room and residents that wanted to come, we could share. And I think that's a very important part of the grieving process is kind of acknowledging and experiencing the grief.EW: I don't have it any more questions, is there anything else or I've left out
or you want to say, Shirley? A part of this history?SS: It just would be remiss if I didn't mention about...the legacy of House of
mercy lies with the 341 people that have been served so far, whether that's people that have passed away, or that have maybe been able to start a new life because of their restored health and their connection to services... it wasn't uncommon if they didn't have benefits, I would help them apply for disability benefits. So not only did they have, in many cases, restored health, but they had financial security in one form or another. [Weir - Wow] And access to medical care. 00:32:00I just wanted to say that. And I just also just would like to just say, thank
you for the opportunity of letting me be part of this, because House of Mercy is forever in my heart. It's in my family's heart. It has allowed me to continue to volunteer in different ways, even after my retirement. I've been an advocate for the underserved population and equal access to medical care. And I've connected now with a research project that I serve on a panel that hopefully, just a teeny teeny part, but that I think, will have impact even on health care, nationally.... I want to carry on that legacy that the Sisters expect, and be an advocate...continue to be an advocate for the marginalized.EW: Oh, wow, that is beautiful. Yeah, good for you. Well, you're an example.
You're a heroic example. If I may say so.SS: Thank you. But it's also...it's not me. I've also said this many times...the
work that is done at the House is really God's Spirit, working through our hands. And so to God be the glory.EW: Yeah.
DH: One question I have. When did you retire?
SS: I retired the end of May of 2020.
00:34:00DH: Wow.
EW: Oh, okay. Wow.
SS: Yeah. And it's been hard because I fully anticipated staying involved. I
mean, I know I need to keep my distance in some ways to give people...don't want to be in the way. But I really missed the residents. So I hope I can be involved in some way, moving forward.DH: Well, thank you very much, Shirley. And thank you, Ellen, and thank you for your time. I think you've given us some great material today. And it's really
been wonderful to hear your story and experience. And 340 [residents]...?SS: 341.
DH: That's just remarkable.
SS: Thank you so much for for agreeing to do this project for the house.